How It All Started
by m.t.dog
Summary: Neil reflects on the beginning of his and Todd's relationship. Slash, don't like, don't read. Todd/Neil


For Neil, it had all started at the opening ceremony

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine, so don't even try to sue.

A/N: SLASH, which means BOY/Boy, so if you don't like don't read!! I apologize in advance if anyone is out of character…I didn't mean for them to be. Please read and review!! Oh, and it's in Neil's POV by the way. Enjoy!

For Neil, it had all started at the opening ceremony. He had been sitting next to Charlie, bored out of his mind but unable to fidget because his father, with his stern and heavy gaze, was sitting right next to him. So, he suffered in silence, Nolan's dry, wizened voice going in one ear and out the other as Neil scanned the room, looking for both new and old faces. Suddenly, from across the room, he saw him, the boy who he would eventually come to admire, respect and love. The boy had light, sandy hair that hung in front of his face like a protective shield, and his eyes were a dull, almost lifeless blue, though Neil could imagine that provoked, those eyes could speak volumes, could shine like the moon. He was slightly hunched, as if to defend himself from the harshness of the world, but Neil could see a hidden strength, a reserve of courage and bravery that lurked behind the façade, and suddenly, he knew that no matter what, he wanted to meet his boy. He wanted to become his best friend, know all of his secrets, receive his affection and respect; he wanted to _know_ this mysterious boy from across the room, both inside and out.

There was no reason that this feeling welled up in him, no apparent attractiveness of the boy, no shine that seemed to emit from his depths, but still, Neil was transfixed. So he sat there, just gazing at the figure across the room, his earthy eyes shining with an unknown emotion, passion stirring in his veins, his blood, his very being. Suddenly though, the ceremony ended, chaos reigned free as young boys leapt up from cold, hard seats, and Neil's view was blocked, though the boy's silhouette was still engraved in his mind and eyes.

If amazement was how his love for Todd started, then respect came next. It was obvious to him that sometime, somewhere, Todd had been damaged almost beyond repair. Someone had cut up his hopes and dreams, shredded his confidence, stole away his voice, taken away his spark, pierced his heart, and still, he lived. Still, he stood up for his friends and what he believed in, still he interacted with the Dead Poets Society members, as if they had been friends for years and years, still he was inspired by Mr. Keating, though his mind must have warned him against getting his hopes up yet again, afraid that they would once again be stepped upon.

Neil saw all of this, all of this anguish and pain that Todd went through daily, though God knows that Todd tried his hardest to hind it from him. That's why, on the day that Neil announced to everyone that would listen that he had decided to act, and the day that Todd finally lost his temper and yelled at him, "That's not the point! The point is that there's nothing that you can do about it, so you can just butt out, alright? I can take care of myself, you know," and he told Todd no, that he would not butt out. He had looked down at his friend, his beloved, shy, meek, strong best friend, and saw lines of pain, sadness and exhaustion carved into his young face. Staring down at that face, he was suddenly filled with admiration, admiration for this boy who had gone through so much, whose soul had survived years of abuse yet still came alive when reading poetry, when playing soccer, when talking to Neil. The respect filled him to the very brim, until it almost overflowed and threaten to cover and possibly suffocated Todd who was sitting there, staring down at his notes, a forlorn expression on his handsome face as he waited for Neil's answer.

Looking at those gloomy, cheerless features, the admiration turned suddenly into protectiveness, into caring, and Neil promised himself that while Todd was with him, he would be shielded from any abuse. From that point on, he promised, Todd would no longer have to stand on his own, the weight of the world hunching his shoulders and dulling his eyes, fore Neil would always be there helping, holding, possibly even loving him. So, he told Todd who was still sitting there staring at his notebook, "No." No, he would not leave Todd alone to face his demons, he would not allow the new, brittle friendship that had just formed between them to be swept away, he would not add to Todd's scars. He would instead be his admirer, his best friend, his helper, his protector…and maybe, possibly, even his lover.

Next, came the affection. Not quite strong enough to be called love, but still there, constantly reminding Neil that he could ruin his perfect friendship with Todd who had become so much more open and lighthearted since Neil had decided to help him. It was a constant afterthought whenever he saw the way the light lit up Todd's hair like a halo, the way his eyes finally sparkled when he was happy, the way his laugh was loud and carefree, booming through their room like church bells, their vibrations sending shivers down Neil's spine. The affection was always there, telling him that he shouldn't be noticing these things, shouldn't be enjoying watching Todd, shouldn't be thinking that Todd is the most beautiful, handsome, wonderful person that he'd ever seen…but Neil ignored those thoughts, and instead focused on learning the lines for his part as Puck while sneaking casual glances over at Todd.

Lastly, in one fateful, terrifying, exhilarating swoop, came the love. It had come to him on Todd's birthday, when he had made good of his promise, and cheered Todd up, took away some of his sorrow and replaced them with happiness. He had watched with affectionate eyes as Todd threw the desk set over the bridge, laughing brightly as he did so, as carefree as a child in a candy store. The deed done, the hollow weight taken off of his chest, Todd turned to him with eyes that shone in the moonlight like diamonds that had been softened by love, care and fondness. His smile stretched across the whole of his face, showing off small gaps in between teeth that just served to remind Neil that this boy whom he held in such respect was still human, still capable of being loved. In that one moment, in that one smile, Neil realized that he loved Todd. Not just a brotherly, roommate love either, but one that heated his blood, made raw, unfulfilled passion stir up within him, made him feel invincible yet totally exposed at the same time…he felt complete, as if he had been waiting for Todd to take up the empty space in his heart for his whole life.

The moment lasted for only a second, only a brief grin and flash of light, jovial eyes, but it was enough for Neil to know that he would never be able to look at Todd the same, never be able to live comfortably in their room until he told Todd, and that scared him more then he liked to admit.

From then on, every minute of every day was spent thinking of ways in which to tell Todd of this love burning in him without scaring the shy boy away- Neil didn't think that he'd be able to take it if Todd ever left him, if his spirit would be able to handle the excruciating pain of being alone again. He poured over thoughts of reading Todd a love poem, of leaving him a love letter, of confessing to the whole of Mr. Keating's class that he loved Todd, of just grabbing him and kissing him passionately…proposals flew through his head like lightening, all review and discarded for not being absolutely perfect. He suffered through days of gazing longingly at Todd's lips that just begged to be kissed, of not being able to touch him, of not being able to completely relax around him for fear of saying something that he'd regret.

In the end though, Neil's brainstorming was useless, a waste of time, because the one who made the first move was Todd, shy, meek Todd Anderson. It was an evening a few days after Todd's birthday and Neil's revelation, and both boys were working diligently, Neil pouring over chemistry notes, and Todd composing a piece of poetry for Mr. Keating to review. The room was completely silent save for their gentle breathing and the small sound of Neil gnawing on the end of his pencil as he attempted to work his way through a hard problem. Occasionally though, Neil would glace up to gaze longingly at Todd's form across the room, imaging how soft his skin would be, how beautiful his face would look like flushed from love and lust, how sweet his lips would taste. Of course, he'd always take care to dart his gaze away whenever Todd moved, afraid of getting caught staring, but, inevitably, his eyes would find their way back to Todd anyways. Suddenly though, the silence was broken by Todd's voice that started out weak, and steadily grew in volume.

"Ugh, I-I can't t-take it any more Neil!" Todd stuttered, jumping up from his bed in order to pace the small span between their beds, hands clenched behind his back, and eyes a feverish, dark blue.

Neil looked up at him, his deep, brown eyes bright with confusion and curiosity. "Oh, um sorry. I can stop chewing on the pencil if you'd like."

"That's not what I'm talking about, you dork!" Todd exclaimed, exasperation making him momentarily lose his stutter. "I'm talking about how you relentlessly tease me with little glances and brief touches then never do anything about them! D-don't think that I haven't noticed you looking at me!" Todd finally wheeled around to stare at Neil in the face, his eyes wide and pleading, his bottom lip caught between uncertain teeth.

Neil was stunned. Never, in a million years had he ever imagined that Todd would realize what he was doing, let alone act on what he saw. Dimly, he registered that he was proud at how far Todd had come from the meek, unresponsive boy that he had been a few weeks ago, but that thought was quickly shoved aside by the fear and panic that suddenly flooded his senses, freezing his veins. Surely, Todd would hate him now. Surely he would report Neil for being disgusting, vile, sickening and demand a new roommate, one who was normal. So caught up was he in his thoughts that he didn't notice how Todd rolled his eyes at having to wait so long for Neil to answer, didn't remember Todd's presence until he was right in front of him, his light pink lips poised in a half smile, his nose a mere centimeter from his own.

"If you're gonna look, you might as well act too," Todd whispered before diving in to catch Neil's slack mouth in a soft, gentle kiss.

At first, Neil did nothing but sit there, shocked that Todd had taken the initiative, that Todd had been the one to kiss him, that Todd didn't think him disgusting, that Todd loved him in return. Then, slowly, the feel of Todd's lips on his own slightly chapped ones drew him totally out of his thoughts, and he groaned quietly, quickly deepening the kiss in order to get a taste of what he had been wanting for days. He pried open Todd's mouth, quickly taking control of the kiss, making it passionate, fervent, perfect. He poured all of his frustration, love, and adoration into that kiss, his tongue frantically searching out every nook and cranny of Todd's sweet mouth, memorizing it, eliciting soft moans to emit from it, sounds that drove Neil to search deeper, kiss harder.

Of course, as all good things do, the fiery kiss eventually died down until only chaste pecks were exchanged between swollen lips. And eventually, even those stopped, leaving the two boys just sitting there, gazing at one another with wonderment and love clear in their eyes.

"S-so…I guess it's kind of pointless for me to tell you that I l-love y-you, huh?" Todd stammered out, his previous confidence gone, though Neil found that he liked this quiet, shyer Todd better anyways.

Laughing, Neil replied, "No, I don't think that I'll ever get tired of hearing you say that. And, of course, I love you as well." Silence reigned king for a moment, though it was a comfortable silence that gave Todd the confidence to lean into Neil's strong, warm arms and lay his head on his chest.

"So, how long have you liked me?" Neil asked teasingly, easily breaking the quiet and calm that had come over them.

Todd flushed a delicate pink before answering, "Um…s-since the first time I met you, when you introduced me as your roommate. What about you?"

Neil laughed, and replied, "Well, it all started at the opening ceremony…"

A/N: Ugh, what a horrible ending. Thanks for reading this far anyways though, it means a lot! Sorry if Todd or Neil are too out of character, I tried my hardest to make sure they weren't, though I'm positive that I didn't succeed. PLEASE review, I'd really like to know what you guys thought of this one! Thanks!


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